


To My Best Pal

by rlbelliboni



Series: Bucky's journal [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky gets emotional, Cute, Freeform, Letters, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sad, Short One Shot, T'challa is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 04:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7560295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rlbelliboni/pseuds/rlbelliboni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's funny because i would have dreams of when we were younger, when you didn't know how to fight, but boy you sure know how to take a beat up, i give you that. I'm glad you saw in me the potencial person i could be, the same way i did to you way back in 40's"</p>
<p>or the one where Bucky leaves a letter to Steve</p>
            </blockquote>





	To My Best Pal

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is a little bit different, but i hope you enjoy, please excuse any grammar mistakes.

"It would be funny to say that i remember... Because in theory, i don't.  
it's a strange feeling seeing yourself tear down the world years after you've started.  
I feel like i always knew what was happening, i remember waking up a few times... before they turned me into an experiment, they did took care of my wounds. They would make sure i was eating, that my fever was never too high and that i was still warm. But that lasted 2 or three days.

They moved on after the first time i asked where i was. And that was the last time they put me to sleep, only to wake me up with a metal arm... I can't remember when i became the man that destroyed everything, that killed everyone... But i remember that for 20 long years, i tried my best to fight back.  
I remember how whenever i asked for you they would punch me, stab me, leave me hanging upside down until i couldn't breath. I stayed a few days locked inside, couldn't see the sun, nor the night, wouldn't have a small glipse of fresh air... and when all of that didn't sush me, they would burn my head until i couldn't scream.

I remember not knowing if they were hitting me out of frustration or torture, how they would scream at me in russian and i couldn't answer and they would hit me more, because when one asks, the other shall answer. 

I swear i tried my best, sometimes i would say your name just to see how far it would bug them, and once i regained full control of my whole body, i started to fight back.  
They would punch me once, i punched twice, they would scream, i wouldn't stop, jets of cold water would hit my back trying to hurt me, but i remember how i always liked cold rain, so it did nothing to me. And that's when they started to bring out the tasers.

My whole body would go numb, and when i was on the ground they would make sure to remind me 'it is all Captain's fault'.  
I can tell for sure, nothing would break me more than humiliation, your name and honor at risk.  
It's kinda hard to admit, because i needed long years to realize, but i would never be like you, not because i don't want it, but because i am not like you. After long years of not recognizing my own face, not knowing my own name i came to realize that i can never be like you. 

If you knew how many times they had to convince me i am not me, you would wonder how i ever got to 'come back'  
Truth is: i never did.  
Sometimes it hurts to hear people saying "James Buchanan Barnes" and all the bravery he had in battlefield, how he was captured twice, the second capture turning him into a killing machine... I don't see how i fit in that story. It was me, but i wasn't there. I think part of me did died in the ice.

It's hard to put in words, because i can remember so much, but i wish i didn't. I remember seeing people die, i remember being the reason the light left their eyes and even worse, i remember not caring at all.  
They would burn my memories with a technology i will never understand, recite a few words and i was all ready to go to another mission. I still hate the name 'The Winter Soldier', they should have given me some better nickname, or something else, cool like your 'Captain America'... Maybe i should be 'Captain Winter Soldier', that would be badass.

I really hope you don't mind, you got your loving nation to serve and you already did so much for me, it's time i do the same. You looked past my actions and you saw who i really am. I am still your best pal right? 

It's funny because i would have dreams of when we were younger, when you didn't know how to fight, but boy you sure know how to take a beat up, i give you that. I'm glad you saw in me the potencial person i could be, the same way i did to you way back in 40's.

Well, what i'm trying to say is that i remember you, i will always know who you are. And i hope i find myself, i hope one day i can walk around this new world and not be feared, just the way you do.

I decided to come with T'challa because i want to full fill what i started and make the world a safer place, you don't need me now you are all big and buffed, you don't need me to fight your wars. I am proud of you for that.

If you need me,  
i will be stuck in this ice box so, give a ring whenever you can.

You best pal,  
Bucky."

Steve sat there, not knowing what to do, his best friend back and gone so quickly. He didn't know if he had to laugh or cry, when Bucky had something stuck in his mind he would go until the end of it. Steve placed the handwritten letter back on his counter, the letter actually shipped from the lab in Wakanda, knowing that this time Bucky was a little more in peace with himself, in peace of mind. Ready to give all of him until the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed, i kinda needed to get something different in this series, i hope you don't mind the daring. Feedback is always lovely. Again, thank you so much. You are all pure gold.


End file.
